Knickerbocker Circus 07: Blood and Pudding 04-Brian

Twelve years ago yesterday I found out Brian had died.  It's been a tender time, a time of reflection.  I tend to get frantic, wonder why, and then get hit with a giant "Damn." So forgive me if I'm quiet, unresponsive, rude, adamant, or just plain needy. These things tend to go in cycles.

Rest in Peace B.  I miss you.

This post was originally written on my former blog. I thought it was appropriate.

I had forgotten a moment in my life. I had forgotten a huge moment in my life, or so it seemed at the time. It had been pushed aside by small memories of kisses beneath a street lamp or how a bride ran away from her fiance right before they were supposed to move. Walking towards Sherene's last night my ipod shuffled to "Haunted". Funny how you remember singing the song to a person but forget the actual event until all aspects of it collide. Memories... It was a misty night, both nights, way back then, and now. I was wearing the same red velvet dress and velvet jacket. I was soft looking.

1996?: Brian and I got into his car. I can't remember where we were heading. I popped in the soundtrack to "Sid and Nancy" our favorite movie at the time. He was in the drivers seat, bondage pants, Social Distortion tee, and leather jacket, his hair was in liberty spikes. I pulled gently at his piercings as we drove out of the parking lot. My song came on "Haunted", I always like to sing it to him. He laughed at me and smiled. I turned it up, he looked annoyed but it didn't stop me. I was playful that evening. I grabbed hold of the steering wheel. "Let go." I said.
"What are you doing?"
"Trust me."
His feet were on the gas and I steered the car. "I'm going to close my eyes and I want you to guide me. But you can't touch the wheel. Not at all." I said. (The music was getting more dynamic.)
"You're crazy."
"Just do it." I closed my eyes. He guided me with his voice, his hands wrapped around my waist.
the music played in the background.
 

I'll build my world around you
I'll bless the day that I found you
I'll stand beside you, I'll never leave
Or tell you all those lies
That you'd never believe
I want to be haunted by the ghost
I want to be haunted by the ghost
I want to be haunted by the ghost
I want to be haunted by the ghost
Of your precious love
Of your precious love

And the song ended, we stopped the car, and we were safe. Or so I thought...

Comments

[Jess]

I definitely empathize with you. Five years ago yesterday i lost someone too. It never heals the way you think it does, and it's strange the most random things that bring back memories can be. Thank you for sharing.